I had to find pregnancy jeans that fit me.
Previously I had one pair of maternity jeans that I wore about 38 times a week. They were comfortable enough, but really were too big for me and earned me the pleasant nickname "Saggy Butt". In order to keep them up I had pull the back of them up until they were crossing the middle of my back, which was pretty ridiculous. They only stayed that way if I was perfectly still, so as soon as I started to walk, or say, breathe too hard, they would slide down taking my underwear with them. I was spending entirely too much time with my hand down the back of my pants, yanking my undies back into place. I did a study and found that the number of times I put my hands in my pants to pull my underwear back up was directly related to the number of people who consciously avoid me on campus.
It was high time I found some suitable pants. I ventured into Motherhood Maternity one afternoon, on a quest to return some items my mom bought for me that did not fit and to find the elusive pair of jeans that I knew would fit perfectly. Somewhere, there had to be a pair that fit my belly but did not leave me three feet of extra fabric for my thighs and butt, three feet of extra fabric that I did not need.
Shopping at Motherhood Maternity was...interesting. First, I was the only one in the store. Just me and the clerk. Just me....and the clerk...and me...no one else. There was no one else for the clerk to talk to, or watch. She talked to me, and watched me. And I am a very private shopper, a very annoying private shopper who has to look at every single thing in the store before deciding what to try on. Then I pick out what to try on and take it to the dressing room. Then begins the fight of wills "Do I want it? Does it look good? Will I ever wear it? Is it comfortable? I don't want it. Wait, yes I do. No I don't. Wow, thats alot of money. I can't afford it. Dang it, now its the only thing in the whole world that I could ever want. Ok, I'll buy it." Next, I have to cruise around one more time just to make sure I didn't miss that one thing, the one article of clothing that will change my life. I always kind of hope I won't find it, because then I'll have to go through the whole ordeal of deciding what I will put back in order to purchase that one article of clothing that will change my life. Shopping for me is sort of stressful.
Anyway, since I was the only one in the store, my shopping eccentricities were totally visible to the clerk, who was not shy about staring at me. Once I finally got into the dressing room, I was intrigued by these strange contraptions hanging on the walls. They were like pillows with two straps around them that velcroed together. I'm assuming they were fake pregnant bellies, which is awfully strange. Do women who are newly pregnant put them on to buy clothes that will fit them later in pregnancy? Or are they for pregnant hopefuls? I was fascinated by the fake pregnant bellies and really wanted to try one on, but I knew the velcro sound would echo in the music-less store and the clerk would be completely aware of my fake belly trying on. And that was weird to me.
In the end, I found an excellent pair of jeans that don't fall off and take my undies with them. I also found two shirts that look very nice on me. Both are sparkly. Pregnancy has turned me into a sparkly crazy person.