Friday, February 8, 2008

Forgive Me One Last Belch

I have been a little disgusted with myself lately. That's ok because I think a little self loathing now and then is healthy. It forces you to take stock of who you are, and think about whether who you are is really who you want to be. I think people are too quick to skim over thier melancholia, trying desperately to find a happy place, when what they really should be doing is taking note of their own personal blues. We learn beautiful things about ourselves when we are not on the top of the world, when we are, rather, in the musky crevices of the world making friends with the spiders.

I do this, skim over my melancholia. Somedays I wake up in a Funk and before I even get out of bed, or put on my glasses I can tell that it will be one of those days. I get a particular hollow ache in my belly, a feeling that I have never been able to put words to. And when I wake up feeling this way, I usually close my eyes and ask God to take away that feeling, and to change my attitude because I don't want to feel that way. It's not fun. More often than not, if I wake up in a Funk I stay in a Funk all day, no matter how hard I pray about it. Perhaps that's because God isn't listening to me. Perhaps that's because there's something I need to learn about the Funk.

Over Christmas break when Rusty and I were in Roswell I was talking to my mom about blogging. She mentioned that she had read in a psychology journal that so much of blogging is about narcissism, that people write things that used to be written in diaries and journals, but are now written for the intent of other people reading it. I told her that my philosophy professor said the same thing, that everyone in the world has a blog and everyone in the world thinks everyone else in the world cares about what I ate for lunch. So I've been thinking since Christmas break, trying to come up with a defense for my blog. Surely I don't write because I think everyone else in the world cares about what I ate for lunch. Or do I? I would like to say that I have a blog and I write because I am a writer and I cannot be a writer if I do not write. Then, when I think about the things I write, I have to acknowledge what a lie that is. 90% of what I write is junk, word vomit, if you will, that I belch onto the screen and publish without a second thought. In fact, this very post will be word vomit, belched onto the screen. How ironic.

I am disgusted with myself because I remember when I used to write, really write, and while what I wrote was not always good (it was often very very bad) at least I thought about it. I took risks, I pondered, I fretted, I stressed over which word more correctly fit, whether I should take out sections or leave them in, whether I had made my point. I am disgusted with myself because I cannot think of the last piece of writing I was actually proud of. I am disgusted with myself because I know I can do better.

So maybe for Lent, in addition to giving up TV from 8-5 (oh that terrible terrible TV habit) I should give up belching as well.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

blogging doesn't have to be a bad thing.....from my point of view you're just connecting with people, telling stories, writing....

i doubt seriously that you're writing because you expect a million people from all the planet to read your blog, that people are sitting at home someplace in the middle of nowhere just waiting for your next post....

you write because you like to write, because you can tell a story, because you're staying connected with some people.

this isn't 19th century russia, you're not expecting letters in the mail with postmarks from exotic lands, you're not really even writing a public journal, you're just writing and getting feedback from people that care about you and what you're doing

i love waking up with the blues....keeps me real....

Audrey said...

Sometimes it disturbs me how much alike we are. And sometimes I don't tell you things because I don't want you to think I'm copying you. But you are one of the coolest people ever, so I figure it's good to be like you.

So I gave up TV for Lent, not so much to deny myself but more to give more time to God. And what did I do the first night with no LOST? I wrote. I haven't written ANYTHING in a seriously long time, since I've been systematically numbing my spirit with TV and too much internet. But it felt good. Love you

Audrey said...

Oh, I recently started practicing yoga too. Freaky, I tell you

dawn said...

i love to read your blog, but i understand what you're saying. i feel that way about a lot of my posts too. which is one of the reasons why i gave it up for lent. um... oh, the self loathing thing. yeah... i do that a lot. probably more than what's healthy, but i think i'd rather be more on the self loathing side than the self exalting side. but, i think it's best to dwell in the middle somewhere. i don't do that. i am a pendulum. one minute i'm despising myself, the next i'm thinking about how incredible i am.

Noah said...

BULL CRAP...belching is funny....