Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Jaundice and Me

Holy smokes. I haven't even told you about Norah being born and now I have to tell you about going back to the hospital when she was only 7 days old. 7 days!

Be warned, this post will likely be much more dramatic than is really necessary, but sheesh, I was a little more dramatic than necessary.

You see, my head knew when Norah's doctor told me that her bilirubin levels were high and she needed to be admitted that everything was going to be fine. My head knew that this happens to breastfed babies, and it was simply a matter of letting her bask in some blue lights for a while. My head knew I was not a negligent mommy, that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that her having jaundice was not a sign of me not loving her enough.
But my heart did not listen to a word of that logic.

So when Norah's doctor talked to me about jaundice, all I heard was Brain Damage! Liver Function! Negligent! You don't love your baby! Weep Weep Sob! And my heart was the one that made me all blubbery and weepy for approximately two days.

I knew that having a baby was going to make me vulnerable to all kinds of new pains and fears. I knew that I was going to love her enough to hurt. But I did not imagine what that love would do to me. And as much as I tried to chill out when I saw her in her little lighted bed, arms and legs splayed out, as much as I tried to keep it together when she wailed as they pricked her tiny foot, I don't know that I did very well.

But just so you know, Norah is fine. We left the hospital this morning and my heart has finally gotten on track with my head. I know she's going to be ok, I know that we're going to be ok. But shoot, I just love that baby.

At least she got some cool shades.

1 comment:

dawn said...

um... you're a great mom. i think you've been handling things amazingly well. freaking out on the inside is a good sign. :-) and... i love the bottom picture. it's funny.