Monday, December 1, 2008

Because I Could Not Explain It Before

Two weeks ago I wrote about my trip to women's group and how I was nervous and freaked out and fidgety.

I went that night, and vowed to say at least two words. Two words would be twice as many words as I said the previous week! Progress! So I got all gussied up and was feeling good about myself and my confidence in my trendy boots.

And then I proceeded to unceremoniously bawl in front of a room full of people I have known for approximately 15 days.

I didn't tear up. My eyes weren't misty with emotion. There wasn't a few cute tears tracing lines down my cheeks. All of that is too romantic. I bawled. Make up smearing, nose running, chin trembling, can't talk, gasping for breath BAWLED. It was terrible.

You see, the topic of the night was fear and as soon as I started reading through the handout I said a silent curse-word to myself because I knew right then that I was going to have to talk about Wendi and I was going to cry.

As I tried to explain that night, but was choked off by my waterworks, Wendi's death scared me terribly. Her death was a real punch in the face to me, a woman still under the adolescent impression that I Am Invincible. I have a long life ahead of me. I am a cautious person, not prone to high speed chases or pistol duels. But Wendi died, in her youth and with no warning. She wasn't old or sick. Obviously there is no guaranteed safety in life. And oh, I am indeed vulnerable to death's sting.

But even more scary, if Wendi could die, then that means Norah could die as well. And oh dear God, I can barely even say those words out loud.

Wendi died a week after Norah was born, a cruel blow to our absolute euphoria when we were all pleasantly exposed. And I have reacted by holding as tightly to my baby as I possibly can. I think if I hold onto her tight enough that I will be able to protect her, to keep her safe. Yes, I know that is illogical and false. But knowing that does not change anything. Logic has no power in the face of such love and fear.

I have absolutely crazy bouts of anxiety in regards to Norah. Sometimes I lay in bed, awake, terrified that someone has gotten into our house and is going to steal my baby and I will not know and the only way I can get any rest is if I sleep in her room where I can protect her. Sometimes I will be driving and will be hit with a vision of us flying off the road and crashing into the trees. Don't even get me started on SIDS. I suppose my anxiety may not be any more crazy than other mamas', but I cannot fully explain the gut wrenching feelings I get about her.

I was telling Rusty about this one night, and he asked me if I thought it might be a result of me not trusting God with Norah. I think that is certainly a likely cause, because I don't trust Him with her. I don't care how futile that might be. If God allowed Carol to lose her baby, then who is say that He won't allow me to lose my baby? And how can a truly good God allow that? A question as old as sin, but suddenly, the trite responses aren't answering it well enough for me.

And that brings me to an embarrassingly un-graceful outburst at women's group. I am afraid of the question of God's goodness. I am afraid of trusting God to take care of Norah. I am afraid of losing my baby, of having a gigantic irreparable hole ripped into me. And I suppose my crying that night, and my writing this now, are ways I am trying to deal with those fears.


Anonymous said...


Well said friend.

mom perkins said...

Oh Sadie,
You are such a sweetheart. Your vulnerability and honesty is amazing to me. I'm so proud to be part of your family. I do want you to know that you are a very normal and wonderful mama. I know we are told not to fear, yet fear is a gift from God and can be used for good. I dare to say that with Wendi's death being so close to Norah's birth you have had to deal with more than your average new mother fears. I do know from experience of being a mom for more than 30 yrs. and making lots of mistakes, our God is truly the only one who loves our children more than we do. He has not only taken my mistakes and brought about goodness but He has protected those He put in my care many more times than I have known. I also can't tell you how many times I have given up those children(before their births--when they got fevers--developing bruises from learning to walk--getting hurt in sports--hitting head from seizures) to the Lord only to find myself taking them back again. I even hear myself laugh as I think "they are not mine to give back". God has graciously lent them to us for just a short time and I find more rest in that truth than anything else. Enjoy each day with Rusty and Norah. Love you!!!!

LaurenFaith said...

carol-- i couldn't have said it better myself. :)

i don't have kids, but i've had to learn this lesson many times, especially while derrick was overseas. i don't know how many sleepless nights i had trying to talk myself into trusting that God would do what was best for ME (because i loved derrick so much, and in my mind, that's obviously what God should want), but the truth is, it's not about what i want, and as much as i loved derrick, he wasn't mine. i had to continuously learn that lesson. and i still have trouble with it at times. oh the joys of being human.

i love you dear.

philip said...

I think everyone goes through it but with Wendi's death it was just more real for you. But remember everything is repearable with God. Even if something did happen to Norah it would not be an irrepearable hole as long as you allowed him to work in your life.

Pascha said...

I just recently stumbled along your blog, and i am thoroughly enjoying it.
I have a 7 mth old boy, gabriel, he is my first; and quite honestly the most precious gift, besides my husband:), that the Lord has ever given me. I fear loosing him ever single day (i dont even like speaking it), and I wander if it will get better. And since college i have been burdened with the question of God's goodness, but I DO KNOW that God is good. I just need to choose to really believe it.

Youre not alone:)

Aidan and Zachary said...

This last entry has haunted me for several days now. Please don't take what I say as advice, because I'm certaingly not one ready to give advice on such things, just the observations of a fellow pilgrim on the journey.
Wendi's death makes my heart hurt. While I can't say that I knew Wendi well, I knew her well enough to say with some confidence that she was a great match for Phillip and probably a fantastic mom. It is encouraging for me to see from their comments that God is giving grace to Phillip and to the rest of the family to get through this. I can't even come close to understanding how much they miss Wendi.
After reading this entry, Amy and I had some of the same talks that I'm sure you and Rusty have had. Could our faith survive this kind of blow? How does God respond to tragedy? What promises does He give? One reassurance for me came from John 11, the ressurection of Lazarus. When you read through this story it is evident that Jesus was fully aware of Lazarus' death, and aware that He would step in and resurrect Lazarus. And yet, when he arrives on the scene and sees the people mourning, Jesus shed tears. I like to think that when Jesus saw these people hurting, He hurt with them. He shared in their pain and knew their sorrow. I believe Jesus knows all of our sorrow, and he doesn't turn His face from us because of it. Instead, He shares with us in that sorrow. I believe that even as Jesus brings healing, that He hurts along with Phillip and the kids. That he won't stop hurting with them through their entire lives. I think that Jesus' tears pour over the Children's Shelter, where we are constantly reminded of the grossly unjust world that we live in. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't expect to live a life free of pain, but I believe that we serve a God who humbled Himself to live a life where he faced the same joy, pain, laughter, sorrow, temptation, and all of the other things that go on here on earth. I hope that no matter what life throws at us we can have confidence that we serve a good God.

Phillip, in the words of Michael Irvin, "I pray that Jesus holds you tight and loves you right." It is encouraging for me to see that your faith is getting you through this.


Candice Houston said...

Loves ya...I already commented on this on FB so I will be brief!